I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
