i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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