i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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