I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
