totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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