i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
