I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
