i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
