Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
