Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
