if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
