Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
