he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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