i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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