I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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