I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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