it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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