Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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