Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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