You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
