Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
