made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
