So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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