Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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