Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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