Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
