i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
