If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Drunk is not a location!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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