peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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