Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
