If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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