And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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