allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
