she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
