Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
