I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
from now on my penis is your penis
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
