i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
