you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
