Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
