My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
