well I can't set my house on fire every night
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
