My liver just broke up with me...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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