when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
