so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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