i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
being pregnant is like rehab
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
