im drinking this country out of the recession.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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