Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
