We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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