he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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