He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
