I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want nice things and good sex
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
