She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
