drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
