I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
