just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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