The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want to make out with him forever
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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