question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
